1. 吐槽卸任后的赚钱方法

If this material works well, Im gonna use it at Goldman Sachs next year. Earn me some serious Tubmans.

2. 评论自己迟到

I do apologize, I know I was a little late tonight. I was running on CPT -- which stands for jokes that white people should not make.

（Colored People Time，即有色人种时间，指黑人总迟到的刻板思维）

3. 预测下一任总统

Next year at this time, someone else will be standing1 here in this very spot. And its anyones guess who she will be.

（用she暗指希拉里克林顿可能当选）

4. 评论民主党总统参选人伯尼桑德斯

Weve got the bright new face of the Democratic Party here tonight, Mr. Bernie Sanders! Bernie, you look like a million bucks2. Or to put it in terms youll understand, you look like 37,000 donations of $27 each.

（伯尼桑德斯的竞选基金主要来自普通捐款人，人均捐款数是27USD）

5. 提到伯尼桑德斯与我们的差异

I am a little hurt that youre distancing yourself from me, Bernie. Thats not something you do to your comrade.

（虽然同为民主党，但伯尼桑德斯是一个社会主义者）

6. 评论我们的支持率上升

In my final year, my approval ratings keep going up. The last time I was this high, I was trying to decide on my major.

（曾有报道称奥巴立刻学时吸毒成瘾）

7. 吐槽唐纳德特朗普的经营方案

Theres one area where Donalds experience could be invaluable3, and thats closing Guantanamo. Because Trump4 knows a thing or two about running waterfront properties into the ground.

8. 评论特朗普未到现场

I am a little hurt hes not here tonight. We had so much fun the last time. And it is surprising -- you have a room full of reporters, celebrities5, cameras. And he says no. Is this dinner too tacky for The Donald? What could he be possibly doing instead? Eating a Trump Steak? Tweeting out insults to Angela Merkel? Whats he doing?

9. 调侃特朗普不懂外交的梗

They say Donald lacks the foreign policy experience to be president, but in fairness, he has spent years meeting with leaders from around the world -- Miss Sweden, Miss Argentina, Miss Azerbaijan.

10. 拿前纽约市长跟特朗普比较

I see Mike Bloomberg. Mike, a combative6, controversial New York billionaire is leading the GOP primary and its not you. That has to sting a little bit. Although its not an entirely7 fair comparison between you and the Donald. After all, Mike was a big city mayor, he knows policy in-depth. And hes actually worth the amount of money that he says he is.

（暗讽特朗普不懂政策，吹嘘我们的身家达上百亿）